a glorious mess

a glorious mess

I’m in a brain fog. Some weird funk of a mental state that coincides with a busy schedule and not enough naps. However, I really can’t complain. I’m more me than I’ve ever been, even with a funky brain.

 

I feel like I’ve had my camera in hand a lot more this summer than any other period of time. I’ve been meeting new people and laughing with old friends and photographing a zillion smiles along the way. It’s been cheesy and it’s been genuine and damn, it’s been good.

I feel like every ounce of me has taken a deep breath. The kind where you close your eyes and feel the true capacity of your lungs as they do their thing. I’m existing in that fully oxygenated mental state where my body is ready to pounce on every opportunity that comes its way. I am freakin' READY.

 

In one month I’ll be twenty. Farewell teenage years and all of that stupidity that comes with youth! I’m a REAL adult now and I totally know how to file taxes and parallel park!

….Nah. Reality says that twenty is just another year to learn more life lessons. There’s no way I am taking on adulthood at full force, but I am building the stairs ever so carefully to push myself forward, and to push myself up. I’m about to be in the business college full time (like holy hell- I’m glad accounting is over, but what do you do in managerial economics?) and if things go good and well, this means in two years I’ll be saying peace out to formal education forever and hello to who knows what else. I’m loving that I’ve got another summer to wake up every morning in my parents’ house, and I am grateful that I have a family vacation to look forward to coming up in July. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of moving forward and staying behind as I realize that new responsibility and opportunity comes with a catch. Next summer I’ll likely be in an office space pursuing a professional internship in Charlotte, and I know that will mean I’ll only get a handful of quiet mornings in the mountains, sitting on our porch with my mom beside me and a coffee in my hand. We're all aging and changing and while some of the people around me are slowing down, I feel like I'm finding that running pace that is going to help me get through a marathon. Life is composed of either this wild rush of events or stagnant moments that I can’t get enough of.

 

I genuinely feel good. It’s like I have never woken up every morning so ready to take on the day or just sit and enjoy things. I cherish every drive that I take because it means I can roll the windows down and get knots in my hair while singing along to some great songs I had never heard until recently. Now I’ve got my own summer soundtrack and I am probably going to destroy the speakers in my car a lil extra.

I used to write poetry and I stopped because it felt cheesy. I didn’t like to romanticize everything. Sometimes a cup of coffee is just a cup of coffee and sometimes guys and bad breakups are just shitty events- not some maze of hidden metaphors that are meant to be pursued and understood. But then there are the romantic moments in daily life. Waking up for a sunrise photoshoot made me appreciate the fog coming over the mountains more just like walking along a dewy field barefoot reminded me that I’ve got feet that can take me anywhere. I’m blessed to be this privileged- I am a young woman in America who gets to follow her heart. I can dress however I want and cover my skin in everything I want and be anywhere I want. I get to appreciate so many more things than a lot of people in the world. For this reason I feel like it is almost a necessity to get lost in the details. I have to get my head out of my phone and stop staring at the adventures that others are on- I need to be fully immersed in the present locations of my body.

 

Right now I’m perched on a barstool at Battlecat in West Asheville. I’m drinking an iced vanilla latte (utterly shocking) and watching my friend Daniel run back and forth as he serves people their drinks. I like this very spot, this very moment, and the human I'm with. I'm lucky to have grown up in this weird lil city and I'm even luckier to have friends this good inside of it. 

Today I am happy. Today I am growing. Today I am doing better than ever. 

 

CURRENT FAVORITES:

In My Head // Hawai
Neighbor Song // Aunt Martha
Hostage // Klangstof
You Didn't Need My Love // Anders
Daisy Chains // Will Joseph Cook