I feel as if I am coming to terms with an absence of honesty in my life. While the idea may be more interesting if I had some secret plot to share full of wild adventures and illegal decisions under my belt, it is not quite as fun as that.
Honesty is defined as an adherence to the facts. It is straightforward enough, yes. However, what isn’t honesty? Can emotions ever truly be honest?
I am finding myself consumed with my feelings lately, along with the absence of understanding them.
It seems like some philosophic endeavor to discover your emotions. All we really have is what we feel inside of our own consciousness…yada yada yada.
I question consciousness a lot. In questioning consciousness I question God. I question how much of my existence is real in contrast to being some wacky simulation. I dwell on the fact that if we do not know the honest truth of existence, we very well could be aliens plugged into simulations of human life. Everything I have ever known in this blip of consciousness could not exist. My death could not exist. It could all just be a really damn weird music video that some alien is plugged into, inside of some intergalactic coffee shop on the alien creature’s lunch break. Needless to say, I do not think spending my time dwelling on those kinds of what-ifs is necessarily healthy. They are just a lot more fun.
I want to believe it all counts for something. Maybe not something that we will ever have the ability to fully appreciate, but something that is beyond us and worth it in the end. If all I will ever know is my own consciousness, I might as well make it a good one.
I think I think too much. I know I make things more complicated. The things I cannot understand are their own little challenges. I want answers, and I want all of the good, satisfying feelings that come with it. I want honesty.
Honestly, I know what I think. I think God created us because He was lonely. I think my perpetual loneliness and fight to cure it is something beautiful that He wants me to experience. I do not think God would create so many beings to be this messed up and imperfect unless there was a point- a good battle. So I’m here to fight the good fight. I am here, fighting loneliness with my emotions that do not adhere to the facts. I am here, fighting to understand myself through my experiences with others.
I broke someone’s heart this week. Well, make that two someones, because I felt my heart break, too. I have not had a good heartbreak in quite awhile, and my internal clock was demanding for something to crumble. In the imaginary, wild plot that I mentioned earlier, perhaps this heartbreak could have been caused by some tragic wrongdoing on my part. Instead, it was caused by the absence of honesty again. I was letting myself confuse loving someone with being in love. I wanted things my way. I wanted to feel enough. Enough was still not enough.
I got a good cry out of me to start the healing process. I sat on my bedroom floor with messy makeup while my best friend pulled my hair out of my face. Then, I cried again. Ugly crying that I would not want anyone to see. At this point I think I have run out of tears. Now I have got this big open wound and no scab to pick at just yet. I need to let it all flow out so I can heal with a healthy mind.
Honesty is something that we value in people. It is necessary for healthy relationships. It is demanded in a court of law. It is expected. It reassures us that we can have something to believe in.
I have not been honest.
Over these last few months, I have felt myself growing. I have thought that my feet were steady, but I do not believe I have been watering the ground around me with the right things.
I have been fueling my own growth through my insecurities.
Am I funny enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I interesting enough? Am I smart enough? Am I cool enough? Am I popular enough? Am I liked enough?
I have been asking the wrong questions, and I am over it.
I have been comparing myself to those I see. Instead of being inspired, I have been jealous. I have been competing in mental wars. And you know what? I am definitely not winning.
My economics professor asked us the other morning if there is anyone in the world who we would want to trade existences with. Bill Gates? Beyonce? The President?
To all of the billions of options, my answer would still be no.
Why? Because even the “greatest” people in the world have their own struggles behind closed doors- and as my professor put it, we fe only scratching the surface of solving our own problems, much less anyone else’s.
I am writing this now because I want to enter the place in my mind that welcomes honesty- that can work to solve my own problems again.
The things I am supposed to be asking are not about how great I am viewed for my own satisfaction. I am supposed to be finding satisfaction from the growth in myself that helps me be a better person to others.
Am I trying hard enough? Am I encouraging enough? Am I giving enough? Am I being kind enough? Am I uplifting enough? Am I listening enough? Am I loving enough?
I want to be those things because I can feel the conclusion circle into the honesty that I have been deceiving myself of.
I am not ashamed to admit that I have faltered. I have been a bad person. I have hurt people. I have been selfish. I have sinned. I have sinned again, and again, and again, and again…. and I know that I am not destined to some perfect future.
Therefore, I have got to stop chasing my unattainable idea of perfection that is rooted in insecurities and hopes that my value will be defined by others positively. I need to add value to my life by being a better person for the right reasons.
My heart aches today, and I know it will tomorrow, too.
One day soon, however, it will heal again.
With it, I intend to show more honest love than ever before.